Insomnia
by concreteskies
Summary: The only ones awake at 3am Are the lonely And the loved


_The only ones awake_

_at 3am_

_Are the lonely_

_And the loved_

* * *

><p><strong>1985<strong>

When Kate Beckett was a little girl she was too excited to sleep. She adored her life and she loved living it to the max, every minute of every day. That's why Johanna Beckett wasn't surprised to find her little girl in the living room in the morning, looking out of the window, observing their town and the people living in it.

Johanna shook her head lightly, a soft smile gracing her lips as she silently moved over to her daughter, who was kneeling on their window sill, in nothing but her purple pyjamas.

She ruffled her daughter's golden hair tenderly, the girl startling at the touch slightly, before turning around and wrapping her arms around her mother's neck in a tight hug.

"Good morning, my love" she whispered into the soft curls that smelled after the children cherry shampoo she was using.

"Morning mum" she heard the faint reply, slightly muffled from having her face pressed into her mother's neck.

Johanna loved the feeling of having her little girl in her arms, for she knew that all too soon she would grow up and not give the affection so easily, so naturally anymore.

She scooped her up into her arms and carried her over to the kitchen counter, where she let her sit down on the edge as she started to prepare the Sunday breakfast.

"Couldn't sleep sweetie?" she asked lightly, shuffling through the kitchen in the progress.

"Sleep is no fun, I want to live and do things mummy" her five year old replied and she had to smile at her.

She knew that her Katie would always be up and about, running around, not able to let herself rest for a minute, she reminded her of herself that way, though she didn't know if that exact resemblance was something she actually wanted for her daughter.

And in that moment Johanna Beckett said a silent prayer.

She prayed that one day her little girl would find someone she would be so perfectly content and at ease with to let herself rest.

The way she had found Jim.

* * *

><p><strong>1999<strong>

It was too dark in her room and she felt small in her bed, as if the darkness were swallowing her whole. She could hear police sirens in the background, the sound a constant reminder of what she had lost.

She covered her ears sinking further into the covers, trying to muffle the sounds coming from the outside, trying to somehow force herself to fall asleep, so she could finally escape this reality, to somehow forget that her mother was dead.

She felt tears pooling in her eyes again and felt herself starting to shake slightly. She couldn't believe that she was actually gone, that she would never come back again, that a whole existence had vanished just like that.

She heard her father stumble through the flat outside of her room, heard him clatter around the kitchen, drunk already, searching for more; searching for something that would make him forget that his wife was gone.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to scream so badly, to throw her fist against a wall and scream until it didn't hurt anymore. She wanted so many other things, but most of all she just wanted her mother back.

The numbers on the clock on her nightstand were the only source of light in her room, only barely illuminating the silhouettes of her furniture. She needed to get out of here, she needed to do something. She couldn't just wait around here until justice was finally served. She needed to get it for herself.

She started shifting around in her bed, eventually throwing back the covers and went to get dressed. Her moves were frantic, desperate to leave this room. She started to feel like the air was sucked out of her lungs and that she had to run, had to leave before she wouldn't be able to breathe anymore.

She left the apartment, saying goodbye to her father quickly. He didn't recognize her and called her Johanna, begged her to stay with him. She felt hot tears streaming down her cheeks as she ran from the apartment.

Once out of her building she ran through the streets of New York, slowing her pace more and more, until she arrived at a small coffee shop.

Only two other people were currently visiting it and she ordered a latte before she went to sit down on a bench in the corner, right next to a wide window.

Soft jazz music was playing in the background, Coltrane a musician her mother had loved.

The shop was old and tattered, and for a moment she asked herself whether the bench would support her weight for much longer. But the coffee was good and the barista brought her a blanket, a sympathetic smile on her lips. She didn't ask any questions though and Kate Beckett was incredibly thankful for that.

She wrapped herself into the red blanket and looked outside the window next to her, watching the people outside the window, asking herself what kept them up at 3am in the morning.

The cars kept a steady noise in the background and she started counting the windows that were still lit from the inside. And as she was observing the town she loved so much, she realized that New York, just like herself could not sleep. Ever.

* * *

><p><strong>2001<strong>

The bull pen was empty. The last person that had left had turned off all the lights. Well maybe not the last person.

Kate Beckett was sitting in the evidence room. The lone light bulb was doing a poor job at lighting the small room but it was enough for her.

She was reading her mother's file just like she had done countless nights before.

There wasn't any new piece of information, there was still nothing; nothing that could finally show her the identity of the person that had taken her mother from her.

She was staring at the pictures of the crime scene blankly, the sight no longer frightening her. As the hours passed the pictures started to blur in front of her eyes from the fatigue, she could feel her eyes starting to drop and forced them open, forced them to focus on the case file.

She no longer remembered the last night she had slept more than 4 hours and she wondered sometimes if she ever would.

She spun around when she heard the door opening in her back and she saw a tall figure standing in the door frame, slowly approaching her.

It wasn't before he was standing right in front of her that she recognized him. Royce.

He was looking at her with an expression that could only be interpreted as pity.

She hated to be pitied.

She rose up, standing in front of him she was only barely smaller in her heels, the extra height making her feel stronger than she indeed was.

"What?" She asked, trying not to let her exhaustion slip into her voice.

"You need to go home Kate. You need to sleep" He said, his voice sounding like a father.

She didn't need him to be her father.

She nodded, even if she didn't agree with him. This wasn't the first night he had found her here, some nights he would accept it and even bring her coffee. But some nights he was determined to get her home, to get her to sleep and from experience she knew that it was no use fighting him on this.

So she turned around, placed the files back where they belonged and left the small room, leaving him behind her.

"Goodnight" he called after her.

"Yeah Goodnight"

Though what Royce did not know was that she would not go home. She would pace the streets of New York until the sun was dawning and she could come back.

Because she didn't have a home worth returning to.

Because she could not sleep when her mother was still dead.

* * *

><p><strong>2011<strong>

The bed was too big. It had never really felt that way before, but it was now.

She knew that she could just call Josh to come over, but he was probably busy anyways, and even if he wasn't, she knew that he wouldn't be able to fill it, not in the way she wanted, not in the way she needed.

She couldn't help but think about Castle.

They had seen Forbidden Planet that evening. He had so obviously lied about not having seen it yet, but he had been so adorable and she had really wanted to go see that movie with him.

The evening had been lovely. They had talked and laughed for hours after they had made their way downtown to Remy's for some more food and it had felt so good. So good to let go around somebody and be able to laugh at his jokes, an honest, deep, throaty laugh that still surprised her every time. A laugh she only ever felt bubbling inside her when he was around.

She looked up at the ceiling, her teeth cutting into her lips as she thought about him.

He had become one of the most important people in her life, and it frightened her.

In her experience the people she loved always left, they never stayed and she was scared of how much she needed him in her life, how much she needed him as her partner and how much she relied on him.

What if he left or was taken from her? How did she let him weasel his way into her life? How did she allow that to happen? How did she let herself trust somebody the way she trusted him?

She felt her chest tightening and started to feel about ready to throw up at the worst case scenarios that were now, one after one, playing in front of her inner eye, when the phone on her nightstand vibrated once, announcing an incoming text.

She picked it up slowly and felt the involuntary smile on her lips when she saw that it was from Castle.

"Thank you for tonight, it was lovely. Until tomorrow detective" was what it read and she couldn't help herself but tracing the letters one by one, smiling because he thought of her and when she leaned back against her cushions, she thought that although Castle could leave or be taken away from her, that although she was so scared of trusting someone the way she trusted him, having a person that thinks about you at 4am in the morning made her feel less lonely and made the bed seem less huge.

And that night Detective Kate Beckett let herself believe, that maybe this night, she would be able to find some rest that she would be able to sleep.

Her phone vibrated again. A man had been found stabbed in a car.

* * *

><p><strong>2013<strong>

She was warm and comfortable, tucked into Castle's broad chest, his arms encircling her waist from behind, keeping her pulled flush against him.

They had stayed up late, drinking the good red wine that had made her feel all tingly and bubbly inside and then he had made her feel loved. He cherished her body, with sweet touches and kisses that had left her in a state of pure bliss.

She had figured he had fallen asleep already, so she was surprised when she felt his lips meeting the back of her neck softly, before she felt his whispered words in her ear.

"What are thinking about so loudly, Kate?" his breath was warm in her neck and she felt goose bumps raise on her still flushed skin.

"Nothing, just sleep Castle" she whispered back, feeling as if the moment would break if she raised her voice only slightly.

She felt his arms tightening his hold on her only slightly, pulling her impossibly closer against him.

"You're safe" he whispered again, even more quiet now.

And she believed him, she did. His arms were holding her in a secure and tight hug and she didn't remember a time when she had felt this safe and loved before.

She could feel the fatigue and exhaustion pulling at her, willing her to let go. She felt him peppering her hair with soft kisses and her eyes grew heavier and fluttered closed eventually. She took a long intake of air, breathing in his familiar smell that always made her feel welcome and loved. The smell of something she had previously forgotten. Home.

His silent words were only faint but she heard them anyways.

"Sleep Kate, I'll be there"

So she did.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading. Please leave me a review on whether you liked it or not. I do want to improve myself so please let me know!3<strong>

**Twitter: AlyssaLucyAnne**

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